I am 1 in 4

At the beginning of November 2020 I found out that I was pregnant with our 3rd child. It was a surprise but we were excited and had started talking about names. 

I took the photo above, a few days after finding out I was pregnant. I saw a collage that was trending on Instagram with 4 photos: holding a pregnancy test, holding an ultrasound photo, holding your pregnant belly and then holding your baby. I thought it was a cute idea. I am glad that I did take the photo though to document the pregnancy. 

After eating our American Thanksgiving dinner Kyle went to attend a Zoom meeting and I got our children ready for bed. while giving them a bath I started feeling some cramping so I got them out of the bath and told Dominic to get some books and lie down in bed with me. When I went to the washroom, I noticed some spotting and that is when I started to worry. I told Kyle and said that I didn't know what I should do. I have a negative blood type so my first thought was that at 9 weeks pregnant I probably needed to get the WinRho/rhogram shot. We called Healthlink and the nurse did say, yes, to go to the ER and get the shot. 

We were 2 days in to new restrictions on gathering with people outside of your household, and not knowing if we could ask someone to come watch our children or take them to someone's house, we took them with us. Kyle stayed in the car with them and I went in to the hospital alone. The first thing the Dr. did was a bedside ultrasound. I breathed a sigh of relief as I saw my tiny baby with its heart beating. I had always read that once you see a heartbeat the chance of miscarriage goes down significantly. I then had bloodwork done and once they confirmed my blood type I was given the WinRho shot. 

Before I left, the Dr told me that my HCG levels were in what he considered the intermediate range. Not as high as he would like to see but not at a concerning level. He said that he would book me in for an ultrasound at a clinic later that morning (it was about 1am by this time). I got some sleep and woke up to a phone call confirming my ultrasound. 

Before leaving, I was optimistic. I hadn't had any more bleeding and I saw my baby's heart beating. I went in to the ultrasound and my heart sunk when I saw that the baby's heartbeat measured 65. I knew that was low but the tech told me that everything would probably be okay and to try to not worry. I was so confused and not sure what to feel that I didn't even ask for a photo.

While at the clinic, I started bleeding again. I had Kyle give me a blessing when we got home and then went to lay down with Ellie. In a moment of quiet reflection, I knew that I would not be carrying this baby much longer. I prayed, not for a miracle at this point, but that if I was to have a miscarriage that it would happen quickly and naturally. I did not want to have to go back into a hospital or clinic alone. This was Friday and early Sunday morning on November 29, I held a tiny 9-week gestation baby in my hand. I told this baby, "I love you" and looked forward to meeting them in the next life. 

When I got back to sleep I had a dream  where I was holding this tiny baby that was swaddled. As I unswaddled the baby it got bigger and bigger until it was the size of a full term baby. I interpreted this dream to mean that my baby continues to live and grow or progress. 

While this does bring me some peace, I still have an empty place in my heart knowing that I would be preparing for this baby to arrive soon (due date was July 6). 

I had another ultrasound booked for 2 weeks after the first one I had. I got the text reminder and figured that if I ignored the message, the appointment would be automatically canceled. Then came another reminder with an option to respond with a number to confirm or reschedule so I entered the number to reschedule and got a message to call the clinic or risk paying a no-show penalty. "Great, now I have to actually talk to someone" I thought. Once I ended the call to cancel the appointment, the doorbell rang and there was a beautiful vase of flowers on the front step. 

It was from a Ministering Sister (in my church, women are assigned others to minister to and offer support to) who did not know what I was going through. When I thanked her for the flowers, she just said that she felt prompted to send them not knowing why. It was a reminder to me that God is aware of me and my trials. I am grateful also for this act of caring from someone who was ready to listen to and act on a prompting recieved. 

Before having my miscarriage, I often heard or read about miscarriage being a taboo subject. I never thought of it being taboo because it was a common occurrence; until I experienced it for myself. I feel like it is a taboo subject because it is extremely hard to talk about. "I never told people I was pregnant, I shouldn't talk about having a loss" was and is a common thought. When people ask how many kids I have, It's easier to say two but then you feel guilty because you know that angel baby is yours and is important to you. Then for certain medical things, you will be asked how many pregnancies you have had and how many live births and then there's kind of this awkward silence. 

Then add the pandemic in where you don't really see or talk to people anyways and it becomes an incredibly lonely and isolating experience to go through ... and go through again. 

My husband and I decided that we were both in a place to start trying for another baby again. Then, last week at 6 weeks pregnant, I experienced a second miscarriage … and all the grief and pain came flooding back.

Then there are the things you always hear, "not to say" and you think to yourself, no one would actually say that, but then they do. 

"At least you already have children", "At least it was early", "At least you had a natural miscarriage" ... 

What I (and I am sure everyone else experiencing the same thing) hears is "your loss isn't really that much of a loss." ... but it is. It is a loss. It requires grieving and healing and remembering. 

Then there is my Nurse Practitioner. I had a non related medical appointment and was asked if there was anything new in terms of my health history. I mentioned that I had had a miscarriage. Her response was, "I am sorry to hear that, if that is what happened, but sometimes it is hard to know." IF THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED? I thought, (to myself, although I really should have said it out loud) did you even look at my medical records? You would have seen that I went to the ER, had an ultrasound and rhogram shot. I might need to find a new Nurse Practitioner. 

Reading and listening to other people's experiences really helped me in just knowing that other people understand. It took me a few months to get to this point but I have felt it therapeutic to write my experience and hope it can also bring comfort to others.

I don't know how it feels like to loose a baby while not already having children of your own. I don't know how it feels to have a second or third trimester loss. There is a lot I don't know but I do know how it feels to loose a baby that was loved and anticipated. I do know how it feels to think getting pregnant and being pregnant comes easy to you and now it doesn't. Everyone's experience is different but with a common theme of loss that we can all understand in someway.